Stream Police: A Very Netflix Christmas
With only three days left until Christmas, time’s running out to get your fill of holiday movies. Luckily frequent guest and Berlin artist/snowman, Eisig Schneemann is here to give you his opinion on Netflix’s holiday offerings.
“A cold-hearted TV exec is about to discover the meaning of Christmas – the hard way – in this wild, woolly spin on Dickens’s A Christmas Carol.”
Eisig: It’s hard to believe a remake of “A Christmas Carol” would be so stale. I found myself wishing it were Christmas future.
Verdict: Better than Garfield
“This ensemble comedy is charming treatise on romance, telling 10 intertwining London love stories, leading up to a climax on Christmas Eve.”
Eisig: Another Christmas movie asking us to lie to our children and make them to believe in something that doesn’t exist. Everyone knows love is just something your parents make up.
Verdict: Meh, seriously
The Nightmare Before Christmas
“Jack Skellington, the spindly king of Halloween Tow, kidnaps Santa Claus and plans to deliver ghoulish gifts to children on Christmas morning.”
Eisig: “I have always maintained that Christmas need more skeletons and Danny Elfman.”
“Criminals Willie and Marcus disguise themselves as Santa Claus and an elf and find work at major department stores with planes of robbing them blind.”
Eisig: “A delightful metaphor for how each year, the corporate Santa Clauses rob us of happiness.”
Verdict: 2 out of 3 Hos
Christmas with the Kranks
“When Luther Krank and his wife opt to skip Christmas – not three and no rooftop Frosty – can they handle the fallout from their family and neighbors?”
Eisig: Let's just say this film had me reaching for a hair dryer.
Rating: I don’t think so, Tim.
Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
“The Martians are irked that their children spend so much time watching TV shows from Earth about Santa Claus, so they decide to capture Mrs. Claus.”
Eisig: This was a delight. I look forward to the sequel “Santa, A.E.”
Verdict: So naughty, it’s nice
Santa Baby 2: Christmas Maybe
“Jenny McCarthy reprises her role as Santa Claus’s daughter in this festive sequel. When Santa wearies of his job, he taps her as his successor.”
Eisig: If only there were a vaccine that could have prevented this film from being made.
Verdict: 1 out of 1 science denier
Fireplace for Your Home
“Replicate the peacefulness of an old-fashioned, wood-burning fireplace, as well as the crackling yule log fireplace, all set to holiday tunes.”
Eisig: This is truly the most terrifying thing I have every witnessed. Excellent if you’re in the mood for a scary movie.
Verdict: You’ll feel like Moses