‘The Pyramid’ Review: Please God Don’t

Posted in The Screening Room by - December 06, 2014

The Pyramid was released this weekend, so James D’Alessandro and I decided to go see it. I drew the short straw apparently and have to write about the experience. That is honestly the best way to describe it, an experience. Before I actually write about what’s wrong with this movie, I’m going to go ahead and make this statement. DO NOT GO WASTE $12 LIKE I DID! This movie is awful and I hope it makes no money this weekend. I’m confident it won’t, seeing as there were maybe 10 people in the theater watching this movie at the 8 pm showing.

If you care to know exactly how horrible this film is without seeing it, lets get started with the plot. A team of archaeologists discover a vast pyramid buried under the Egyptian desert. As they investigate, they get lost within a complex labyrinth inside the pyramid. As they venture further and further in order to escape, the group soon realizes that they are being hunted. We’re off to good start here, solid premise and the writers are not rehashing plot points/devices from staple films (Indiana Jones, The Mummy, even Tomb Raider).

This film is supposed to be a horror film, and this is where the problems arise. Firstly, while it is not clearly stated that this is a “Found Footage” film, it tries very hard to use those devices. Bad/mediocre cameras, shaky cameras, first person perspective, and horrible lighting. Secondly, the film follows basic horror movie formulas used in modern movie making, so all of the scares focus on cheap scare tactics that don’t cause real fear. Lastly, the god awful script does nothing but hamper what are actually some decent actors. The inability of Daniel Meersand & Nick Simon to write realistic dialogue is astounding. The biggest crime of any horror film is the usage of horrible and/or unrealistic dialogue to push the story forward. It ruins any chance the director and actors have at effective story telling. I honestly feel bad for Dennis O’Hare (American Horror Story, True Blood) and Ashley Hinshaw (True Blood). These are two talented actors that are trapped by a bad script.

I’m not even going to touch the cheese factor of this film. All I will say is that there were times that I had audible laughter at what I was witnessing. If a psuedo-found footage film that looks like a cross between The Mummy and The Descent appeals to you, then by all means go waste your money. Just know that I warned you.

Final Say: Please God Don’t Watch It

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