Stream Police: Guest Host Edition
For this week’s Stream Police, we have a special treat for you. We’ve brought in Kansas City’s premier online film critic, Carlos Tejón, to give you his takes on the top Netflix offerings.
Stream Police: First of all, Carlos, thanks for taking the time to do this interview.
Carlos Tejón: Glad I could be here. I’ve been a big fan of the column for a long time. What’s Mr. Schneemann up to these days?
SP: He’s a climate change denier, and as it turns out, he was wrong.
CT: Ah, that’s a damn shame.
SP: I wouldn’t worry about him too much. He’ll be back again one day. Let’s get to the reviews.
“An aspiring musician joins a band of eccentrics led by an enigmatic singer -- who wears a fake head -- and his unstable girlfriend.”
CT: I did not care for this one. The only thing I’ll say about it is that I like the way he disguised himself. Two Stars.
Star Trek Into Darkness
“The ‘Star Trek’ reboot continues with this action sequel that finds Kirk and Spock fighting a terrorist threat to Starfleet aided by an unlikely ally.”
CT: This one was a little bit better, but still disappointing. For a movie with “darkness” in the title, I thought it would be more up my alley.
SP: Did you at least enjoy the action sequences?
CT: Don’t get me wrong, I can see why people enjoyed it. The action was very fancy and polished, but way too loud. I damn near jumped out my seat the entire time. Too much going on for my tastes. Two-and-a-half stars.
“When chef Carl Casper’s plans for opening a restaurant in Los Angeles fails to pan out, he returns home to Miami and debuts a food truck instead.”
CT: Now this movie is my kind of movie!
SP: You gave Swingers glowing reviews on your website. Is it safe to say you’re a big Jon Favreau fan?
CT: Eh, to be honest I find him whiny and self-indulgent. Especially in this movie. He was the worst part of the whole thing.
SP: Ah, so you’re more of a Sofia Vergara kind of man. Then again, who isn’t?
CT: Oh god no! I couldn’t understand a damn thing she said in the whole movie. To be honest I hated all the performances in this movie.
SP: But you said this was your kind of movie...
CT: You’re forgetting about the food. That’s the real star of this film. Every time someone threw away that fancy truck fare, my mouth was watering! I’ve got to give John Leguizamo a call and see if he can send some of that old prop food my way. I’d give this movie four stars just based on the food.
SP: Surely that food would have spoiled by now… Hey, hold on a second! You’re not a film critic at all! You’re just two raccoons in a trench coat!
CT: Damn it, Luis, I told you the mustache looked fake! Quick, back under the deck!