'Into the Woods' Review: An Ode
*Editor's note* - To commemorate the beginning of Musical Month, writer Ben Hanig decided to make our first written review in the form of a lyrical poem. Don't expect this from all of us. We're not all this gifted. -
Into the Woods: An Ode
Into the Woods is a movie
With a whole lot of stars
But luckily they’re less a feature, more a highlight
It’s that good kind of film
That knows to use Johnny Depp
For just a few spare scenes instead of the limelight
It stars Meryl Streep
As an old, tattered witch
Who lives on the side of a forest.
And she’s forced a baker and his wife
To go out and risk their life
To bring back four magic items as a real test.
They need the coat from Riding Hood,
And the cow from little Jack,
Plus the handmaid’s slipper
And some gold hair.
So the baker saves Red’s life
From Depp’s wolf with his knife
Then trades five little beans for Milky White
Now the ball is going,
But Cinderella’s only showing
That she’s fearful of what she’s doing every night.
I mean, the prince seem nice,
But is he really just the type
Who could love a kitchen maid like her?
The baker’s wife tries to prove it will suffice
In hopes of nabbing that magic slipper.
As the night draws near,
And everyone’s in fear,
The missus hears rumor of their last prize
So she travels to a tower
With a maiden locked away
And with a trick, she rips her hair down to size.
But then Jack comes back
With a treasure in his pack,
Cuz he wants to buy back his only friend.
As he struggles with the baker,
It’s a truly sad sight, as Milky White fin’ly meets her end
But all turns out well
In the end for the spell,
Since the witch has the power to revive her
So they feed everything,
Including corn instead of string,
To the cow and she makes the magic ether.
Now the witch is young, and the bakers with child,
All the girls get wed, and Jack is rich.
Yes, it all seems good,
Until stumbling through the wood
Comes a great she-giant, out for blood.
For you see, dear readers,
Jack’s been stealing from them all,
And he ended up killing one with a thud.
Now she wants revenge
For her dear late man,
All the while, there are things to discover
You see, the prince is a sleaze,
And he woos women with ease,
Including baker’s wife, who has a bad fall.
So the baker soon discovers
Cinderella under cover
And offers her to join with them all.
Now the baker, Red, and Jack
Have to plan the attack
Against the giant now ravaging the town.
Cinderella uses birds,
While Red has a few words
Thinking maybe they should really back down.
But they stick to the plan,
Each down to a man,
As Jack and the baker climb the rafters.
So the birds do annoy
While the rest aim the ploy,
And our heroes live happ’ly ever after.
So now you know most the plot,
But if story’s all you’ve got,
I know you’re wondering what I thought
Of this merry little tale of misadventures.
Well, if I’m to speak true,
As I often do,
I’d have to say it’s def’nitely not a bencher.
The acting is superb, and the plot is silly fun,
And the music’s all written by a master.
Sure, it can be hammy,
Pine’s prince is a double-whammy,
And the pacing could be made a little faster.
But next time you’re lying in your socks
And you need something fun to watch,
Bring up the Disney flick where the cast rarely talks!
Final Verdict: Watch It