‘Into the Woods’ Review: An Ode

Posted in The Screening Room by - September 05, 2015

*Editor’s note* – To commemorate the beginning of Musical Month, writer Ben Hanig decided to make our first written review in the form of a lyrical poem. Don’t expect this from all of us. We’re not all this gifted. –


Into the Woods: An Ode

Into the Woods is a movie

With a whole lot of stars

But luckily they’re less a feature, more a highlight

It’s that good kind of film

That knows to use Johnny Depp

For just a few spare scenes instead of the limelight

It stars Meryl Streep

As an old, tattered witch

Who lives on the side of a forest.

And she’s forced a baker and his wife

To go out and risk their life

To bring back four magic items as a real test.

They need the coat from Riding Hood,

And the cow from little Jack,

Plus the handmaid’s slipper

And some gold hair.

So the baker saves Red’s life

From Depp’s wolf with his knife

Then trades five little beans for Milky White

Now the ball is going,

But Cinderella’s only showing

That she’s fearful of what she’s doing every night.

I mean, the prince seem nice,

But is he really just the type

Who could love a kitchen maid like her?

The baker’s wife tries to prove it will suffice

In hopes of nabbing that magic slipper.

As the night draws near,

And everyone’s in fear,

The missus hears rumor of their last prize

So she travels to a tower

With a maiden locked away

And with a trick, she rips her hair down to size.

But then Jack comes back

With a treasure in his pack,

Cuz he wants to buy back his only friend.

As he struggles with the baker,

It’s a truly sad sight, as Milky White fin’ly meets her end

But all turns out well

In the end for the spell,

Since the witch has the power to revive her

So they feed everything,

Including corn instead of string,

To the cow and she makes the magic ether.

Now the witch is young, and the bakers with child,

All the girls get wed, and Jack is rich.

Yes, it all seems good,

Until stumbling through the wood

Comes a great she-giant, out for blood.

For you see, dear readers,

Jack’s been stealing from them all,

And he ended up killing one with a thud.

Now she wants revenge

For her dear late man,

All the while, there are things to discover

You see, the prince is a sleaze,

And he woos women with ease,

Including baker’s wife, who has a bad fall.

So the baker soon discovers

Cinderella under cover

And offers her to join with them all.

Now the baker, Red, and Jack

Have to plan the attack

Against the giant now ravaging the town.

Cinderella uses birds,

While Red has a few words

Thinking maybe they should really back down.

But they stick to the plan,

Each down to a man,

As Jack and the baker climb the rafters.

So the birds do annoy

While the rest aim the ploy,

And our heroes live happ’ly ever after.

So now you know most the plot,

But if story’s all you’ve got,

I know you’re wondering what I thought

Of this merry little tale of misadventures.

Well, if I’m to speak true,

As I often do,

I’d have to say it’s def’nitely not a bencher.

The acting is superb, and the plot is silly fun,

And the music’s all written by a master.

Sure, it can be hammy,

Pine’s prince is a double-whammy,

And the pacing could be made a little faster.

But next time you’re lying in your socks

And you need something fun to watch,

Bring up the Disney flick where the cast rarely talks!

Final Verdict: Watch It

This post was written by
He is a Nebraska native and UNL Honors alum with an ever-relevant degree in English. When he isn’t working his day job or writing for Kulture Shocked, Ben spends his time as an independent game designer, seeking to publish his first board game. You can also find him modeling for art classes around Lincoln or online as Dlark17 on most major gaming platforms.
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