A Big Blob of Assholes: ‘Dragon Eyes’ Review

Posted in The Screening Room by - June 29, 2016

Dragon Eyes follows Hong, a freed ex-convict that sets out to pit criminal gangs and corrupt gangs against each other to save his town. It’s the typical Yojimbo plot, and those can be a lot of fun to watch, especially if done creatively. But there is nothing fun or creative about this film.

The characters are all annoying and unlikeable. They all just come off as a bunch of people angry at each other, and for ninety minutes we have to watch them curse and threaten each other, get in Mexican stand-offs, and all the time I was wondering: who are these people? Why should I care? None of them stand out. In fact, they all come off as a big blob of assholes.

The movie is made in a faux-Guy Ritchie style with tinting everything in brown and introducing the characters with a freeze-frame and graphic, with their music. This does absolutely nothing for the movie or the characters. Why did they even bother? It seems like I am focusing too much on the villains, but the protagonists are just as bland. Hong is just an annoying character with hardly any personality. The trips the movie takes into his head are the only things that are there to make him interesting. But the movie promptly dumps him for the gangsters, which are all same goons. Peter Weller does what he can as lead baddy Mister V, and he’s almost close to being the only good performance. But the movie’s only idea of giving him a personality is having him quote Bob Dylan songs at bad times. Also, if you are expecting Van Damme to appear more, forget it. He’s barely in the film. That personally didn’t bother me, but if that’s your reason to watch this movie, prepare to be sorely disappointed.

Often the redeeming factor in this film can be the fight scenes, but they’re all boring. There is no impressive choreography or any weight to them. I struggle to think of a single saving grace to Dragon Eyes. Bad movies can still be enjoyable somehow, and give us something to laugh at. I’m not of the school that every movie must be lightweight and fluffy to work, but Dragon Eyes is unbelievably joyless. Very weird for a film that seeks to imitate Guy Ritchie’s work. Maybe the filmmakers just had no idea what kind of movie they were making and failed on every single count.

Dragon Eyes may be one of the worst films I’ve ever watched. There is nothing to it and most dangerous of all: it’s annoying. Poorly directed, poorly edited, poorly shot and poorly acted. How this even cost five million dollars is way beyond me. As is why someone even thought this was remotely releasable. I guess they have to make their money back somehow.

 

Final Say: Skip It

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