So I Was Wrong About Hell In a Cell

Posted in The Three Count by - October 27, 2015

I stared Hell In a Cell as I do every pay per view, late… purposefully ignoring the clock in a usually feeble attempt to deny myself the knowledge of what time I start the show. As I hit the play button, I was all but ready to dismiss the upcoming program as the shittest, crappest… crappiest program I was going to watch.

Boy was I wrong.

Even a few days ago I, along with many of my wrestling journalism colleagues, decreed that Hell in a Cell was going to suck. Our evidence? A perceived lackluster card and feuds with little to no buildup. Couple this with the parental guidance elephant in the room, and you had all the ingredients for a pay per view that was all but irrelevant in the era of modern wrestling.

Now, normally my reviews of Pay Per Views are reserved for our award winning podcast, Running The Ropes, however what took place the other night was so out of the ordinary, I feel there is cause for a special recap of the event. You can check out our thoughts on our podcast tomorrow and I don’t want to give too much of my thoughts away tonight, (spoilers: I loved it) not talking about that spectacular main event and it’s controversial ending would be doing the sport a disservice.

To recap, Undertaker and Brock Lesnar kicked the holy shit out of each other inside the cell, both getting color relatively early in the match. The match would be even handed throughout, with Lesnar only coming away with the pin after punching Undertaker in the dick with an incredible amount of force.

In fact, every punch, every chair shot… everything those two men did to each other connected with such force, it was easy to forget that you were watching a predetermined wrestling match. In fact, when, Undertaker got the upper hand and scored a tombstone on the exposed planks of the ring, I nearly jumped out of my seat as the ref’s hand appeared to hit three.

The only perceived black mark of the match would come after the bell had rung and the winner determined. The Undertaker, perfectly selling the effects of the match along with the retirement storyline would be confronted by the Wyatt Family. Bucking the obvious, nobody would emerge from the back to assist Undertaker and he would be carried to the Wyatt compound on the shoulders of the family, clearly to be tortured and raped at the hands of Bray Wyatt himself.

Poor attempts at humor aside, the true controversy would manifest itself in the manner in which Brock would take victory. After a bloody, violent contest, a victor would be crowned after a punch to the dick. In fact, this entire feud can be summed up as “The Battle of the Dick Punch.” While it was out of character for Undertaker to begin trading cock blows in the first place, it was far more so for Lesnar to do it. Initially, I was angered with Lesnar’s decision to reach for the Deadman’s pecker, but the more the image of Lesnar’s bicep muscle wrenched in Taker’s gooch burned into my brain, the more I realized that WWE made the absolutely right decision.

By Lesnar resorting to the power of the Cincinnati Wiener Lock, WWE completed every goal on this feud’s lofty and nearly impossible to complete checklist. Lesnar scoring the pinfall over the biggest name in the business sets him up as the man to beat. Lesnar is now at the top of the mountain and is ready to take on all comers. Lesnar may have been crowned the current boogeyman, but he is not the best ever. That crown remains squarely on the head of The Undertaker, and will likely never leave.

Lesnar couldn’t beat a healthy Undertaker on his best day, and Undertaker looked phenomenal on Sunday. Lesnar is a beast, this much is true. After all the suplexes, and F5s… the stiff chair shots and hits with the stairs, it wasn’t enough. Undertaker was poised to win. Lesnar had to cheat to beat a healthy Undertaker. Undertaker’s pedigree and legacy remains untarnished.

By pitting Undertaker against Lesnar in Hell in a Cell, WWE seemed destined to not only destroy the memory of one of the greatest of all time, but to sell hardcore fans on a product they seemed determined to allow to fade away into dust. WWE, Undertaker and Lesnar proved us all wrong and showed unequivocally that they can still produce an intense product that veteran fans have been longing for. They proved that they still got it.

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He is the senior editor at Kulture Shocked. A Nebraska boy born and raised, where he spends most of his time as a writer. When not tearing up Xbox Live, he spends most of his time divided between Magic: The Gathering and his fiancee.
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